Aren't normal mothers happy on days like this?

Yesterday was the last day of holiday break. I just took my kids back to school. I feel sad.

When the boys were little I would often hear mothers talk about how they couldn't wait for school to start back up so they could get a break. They would grab handfuls of their own hair while they ranted about how their kids were driving them crazy. Admittedly, my oldest has been the reason for plenty of my own hair-pulling, but I still never really got what those other moms were talking about. I miss my kids when school is in session. As they get older I miss them even more because not only are they gone all day, when they come back they are often occupied with things that do not involve me.

Over the break I got to remember what it is like to chat with Evan about whatever was on his mind. I never had to interrupt him so we could leave or because one or another of us had homework waiting. We had some time to play. We baked. I got to listen to Adrian laugh while we watched DVD's of the office. Everyone relaxed.

The weather this morning is appropriate for this grayness that I feel during these little transitions. The house is quiet now. There will be no sounds of World Of Warcraft today, or the putting sound of Evan playing the drums in Rock Band or the almost constant sound of cell phones receiving text messages. If I want to touch one of them, I have to wait until school is out. I might have to have a good cry.

I will put off thinking about how this will become a permanent state when they are grown, until it gets closer to that time. I will probably need help making it through that change.